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♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪

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♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪

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♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things
That make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

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Hello, tech support?

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Yes, my time machine
is giving me error code 17.

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No, I did not make love
to a bear on it. Shh.

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But if some bear
did have his world rocked on this thing,

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would that void the warranty?

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Oh, boy. Time machine trouble?

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You know there's
one time machine that never breaks

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and is always
ready to take you anywhere, anytime.

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A good book.

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Ugh, sorry, my dog is very cringe.

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I'm Brian Griffin and tonight
we'll take my time machine

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to three periods in history.

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I don't know. I think he's doing, like,
court-ordered community service.

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Let's start with the story
of the French Revolution.

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The year was 1789.

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King Louis the 16th
and his wife, Marie Antoinette,

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were throwing Moulin Rouge parties.

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Many of which devolved into orgies,

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covering the walls
with yicky-yicky-ya-ya-ja-ja.

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-[♪ "Lady Marmalade" playing]
-More songs per minute.

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Louder songs.

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Everyone must get
a Baz Luhrmann headache.

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Yes, Your Majesty.

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God, I love French dancing.

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If there's anything hotter
than women standing in a line

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and kicking their legs up really high,
I haven't seen it.

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Bad news, King Louis.

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-France is in massive debt.
-What?

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Well, just the music clearances
on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone

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are bankrupting the monarchy.

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Oh, dear. But our hardworking
French laborers

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are already working up to
four hours per week

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with only winter and summer off.

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Can nothing be done?

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I think we should levy
a tax on the peasantry.

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No, no taxes.

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We could always cancel
your VousTube premium account,

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and you can just watch
regular VousTube with the ads.

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Let's do the taxes.

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Man, things sure are
getting bad here in France.

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You said it.
I even got laid off from my job

51
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pitchforking loose hay here
and moving it to there.

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The whole French economy
is based on slightly moving loose hay.

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Bad news, guys.

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-I'm here to collect some taxes.
-What?

55
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The King is levying
a land tax and a head tax.

56
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A head tax?
But that could be thousands.

57
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Also, now there's a salt tax.

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But the head tax ends in something
for which there'd be a salt tax.

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[all] Boo!

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I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of
unrest brewing here in France.

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You're right, Danton.

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We should take advantage
and foment a revolution.

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-For the people.
-Oh, yeah, no, for the people.

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Yeah, and definitely
not for our own personal advancement

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to where we go nuts with power
and chop off everybody's heads

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and eventually even each other's.

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Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah.
For the... For the people.

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[Chris] Remember that for later,
for it is foreshadowing.

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I'm Chris Griffin,
and I don't only do masturbation stuff.

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Citizens of France,

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we need a revolution.

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-[people clamoring]
-That's right. King Louis has destroyed

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the French economy.

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Also, it'll be another
couple hundred years

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before the Arab immigrants show up,

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but let's start
getting angry about that now.

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-[all clamoring]
-These guys are making a lot of sense.

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-We do need a revolution.
-Yeah.

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I can't wait for the new symbol of France
to be a woman with her boob hanging out.

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I call dibs on waving
a flag on a barricade.

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I'm kind of a barricade guy.

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The time has come to join
our revolutionary club, the Jacobins.

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Can I join your Jacobin club?
'Cause I'm just constantly jacobin'.

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I mean, at least four or five times a day,
you'll find me jacobin'.

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I'm Chris Griffin,
and I still do some masturbation stuff.

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[♪ classical music playing]

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More bad news, Your Majesty.

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Paris suffers a bread shortage.

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Oh, no. What should we do,
Swedish baker?

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[with thick accent] Let them eat cock!

91
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That's perfect, because France currently
has a dangerous surplus of cake.

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Marie Antoinette,
if you could tell everyone

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to get busy eating cake,
that would famously help things.

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-It won't just piss people off?
-Nah. They'll love it.

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-[people yelling]
-Down with the King!

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[woman] And down with Marie Antoinette.

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She's not French, she's from Austria.

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[man] Austria is our rival.

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[all clamoring]

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Who are you people?

101
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We're a mob of unemployed losers,
scapegoating a lady.

102
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That's when good things happen.

103
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To be fair, we're mad
at all the French nobles,

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except that one super cool pointing guy.

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So rad.

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We, the citizens of France, hereby
place the King and Queen under arrest.

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Let's put 'em in prison.

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Yeah, and I'm taking this magic
Beauty and the Beast clock

109
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that comes to life and sings.

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It's just a regular clock.

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Aw. [gasps]

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-Regular candlestick.
-Aw.

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[all protesting indistinctly]

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Welcome, citizens,
to the new revolutionary regime.

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[all cheering]

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That's right.
There's gonna be some changes in France.

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From now on, every time
we say hello to each other,

118
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we will get two little
kisses on the cheek.

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Little kisses for everyone.

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-All right.
-Should we show them, Robespierre?

121
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I think they get it.
You were pretty clear.

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We stand for freedom and equality.

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And we can announce this now.
It is official.

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There will be a season six
of Emily in Paris.

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So give yourselves a big hand for that.

126
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You did this. Every one of you.

127
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Anyway, freedom and equality
and civil rights for every man.

128
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How about rights for women?

129
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Nah, just dudes.

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[people clamoring]

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We hereby sentence
the King and Queen to death.

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Any final words?

133
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-Yeah, and not the cake thing again.
-Then, no.

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Please destroy
the oil paintings under my mattress.

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-[groans]
-[onlookers cheer]

136
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And now for Marie Antoinette.

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[guillotine blade clanging]

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What? What happened?

139
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-Oh, boy.
-[clanking]

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Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck

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was provided by Jacques's Joke Shop

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of South Attleboro, France.

143
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-Gotcha, guys.
-Good one, Marie.

144
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Remember, if it ain't
[laughing] hon-hon-hon,

145
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it ain't worth Jacque.

146
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-Okay. Brutally kill her now.
-[Marie Antoinette grunts]

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[onlookers cheer]

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Well, that was fun,
but before you all go,

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we have a few surprise
bonus executions today.

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-The King's gendarme.
-[man yells]

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That lady who yelled that thing

152
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-at the meeting.
-[woman yells]

153
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-J.K. Rowling. 'Cause you know why.
-[J.K. Rowling screams]

154
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This dude, Josh, who's the first guy

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to post a photo of a beach
and write "my office for the day".

156
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-[man screams]
-Oh, and Danton.

157
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What? Oh, you bitch!

158
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I was gonna do this to you.

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-[yells]
-This is awesome. And the best thing is

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that it'll for sure never happen to me.

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[Robespierre yells]

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Uh, I know I wanted
to be "head" of state,

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but this is-- Oh, my brain's stopping.

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I can't believe we did
the whole French Revolution,

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and not even a single song from Les Mis.

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Les Mis is set during
the Rebellion of 1832,

167
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not the French revolution of 1789.

168
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Oh, that's stupid.

169
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Damn it, Meg, I told you
to stop taking my jog bras.

170
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I haven't.

171
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,552
Well, they're missing.
And there's no other explanation.

172
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Look, you both need to stop
counting your bras.

173
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It's not important where they went.

174
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Sometimes families have conflicts.

175
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But did you know that
at one point in U.S. history,

176
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family members actually went
to war with each other?

177
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What? What... What is this?

178
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It's community service. He got arrested
for something. What did you do, Brian?

179
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Let's take our next historical journey.

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I heard he got caught stealing
mobile orders at Starbucks.

181
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Does he look like his name is Rasheed?

182
00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:35,288
Uh, our...
Our historical journey to the year 1861.

183
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They're going to remember
what Rasheed looks like, Brian.

184
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It was 1861 when America
was inaugurating a new president.

185
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:47,258
I, President Abraham Lincoln,
vow that I will have an open mind.

186
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The back of my mind in particular
will be very open and exposed.

187
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[Chris] That's also foreshadowing.

188
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Brian said I could keep helping out.

189
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,434
I'm grateful that you elected me.

190
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,646
And right away, I want to apologize
for my mentally ill wife.

191
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,147
What the hell?

192
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:05,318
My nickname will be honest-about
everything- except-that-one-thing Abe.

193
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,153
That or nine-and-a-half-inch Abe.

194
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,280
-You can call me either one.
-[Mary Todd Lincoln] Yeah, right.

195
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:11,449
She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged.

196
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,619
Anyway, I predict
that America's got good times ahead.

197
00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:17,872
So long as our map doesn't have
a bunch of arrows and explosions.

198
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:21,543
[Mayor Wild West] But America did have
a bunch of arrows and explosions,

199
00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,254
and narrations by voices like this.

200
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,799
Also slow fiddle music,
which I have to play myself,

201
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,636
because we blew our whole music budget
on the Moulin Rouge stuff.

202
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,847
[♪ fiddle playing poorly]

203
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,182
I did this on America's Got Talent

204
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:40,019
and Howie Mandel
made wisecracks at my expense.

205
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:45,108
Anyway, war had come,
and 600,000 brave mustaches

206
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:49,029
would be lost,
as brother marched off to fight brother.

207
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:52,032
[♪ marching music playing]

208
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:56,077
Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail,
and they sent one of each.

209
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,162
Weird.

210
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,496
Yeah, the gray ones
are from Louis Vuitton,

211
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,124
and the blue ones
are from TJ Maxx, so...

212
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,251
That's fine. I'll be Union.

213
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:06,504
Cool. I like the gray because it matches
all the dead guys everywhere.

214
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:09,674
Wish me luck.
I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run.

215
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,844
So that sucked.
Ah, well, the good news is,

216
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,179
I'm staying at Bull Run,

217
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,098
and there's no way there'll be
a whole second battle there.

218
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:19,893
You're not gonna frickin' believe it.

219
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,940
The arrows and explosions
are getting closer to D.C.

220
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,734
We're not gonna be able
to save the Union.

221
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,278
Maybe instead of fighting
to save the Union,

222
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,947
we should be fighting
to end the evils of slavery

223
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,158
and ensure freedom for all Americans?

224
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,451
All right, I'm putting you in a home.

225
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,161
This is why I sleep with guys.

226
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,829
I, too, believe the aim of the war

227
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,957
should be to free the slaves
and make all Americans equal.

228
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,334
Thank you, Frederick Douglass.

229
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,503
You're right.
Black men should be free.

230
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,254
That's what I'm talking about.

231
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,465
And sent up to the front line as soldiers.

232
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:51,966
-Say what now?
-Don't worry.

233
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,469
You're in good hands
with General Ulysses S. Grant,

234
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,138
America's most strategically
gifted alcoholic.

235
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,266
[slurring] The...
The South keeps looking at me.

236
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,895
I swear to God,
if the South looks at me one more time,

237
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,022
-I'm going down there--
-No, no, no, no. Be cool, man.

238
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,024
You think you're better than me, South?

239
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,901
Be cool. Be cool. We got to concentrate

240
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,528
on our most important objective.

241
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,030
Protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

242
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,574
Isn't Gettysburg
just fields and fence posts?

243
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,661
Gettysburg is a cultural
and economic metropolis.

244
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:24,040
Sacrifice every last man,
if necessary, to protect Gettysburg, P.A.

245
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,751
But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks.

246
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,379
If you can make it there,
you'll make it anywhere.

247
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,173
Gettysburg, everyone must die to save it.

248
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,634
There's literally, like,
eight people in the whole town.

249
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:35,969
We're not gonna argue this further!

250
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,346
I'm late for my cuddle nap
with Joshua Speed,

251
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,014
who everyone should
go ahead and Google.

252
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,976
-This is fine.
-It's fine.

253
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,894
I just can't afford
my own mattress is all.

254
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,940
Mattresses cost, like, a billion dollars,
'cause it's olden times.

255
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:56,197
This conflict keeps dragging on,
am I right?

256
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,324
I tell you,
you put the Civil War on ABC,

257
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,243
-it'll be canceled in 13 weeks.
-[crowd laughing]

258
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,496
[Mayor Wild West] Now,
that Confederate recruit we saw earlier,

259
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:06,958
he went on to be a stage actor,
based in D.C.

260
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,169
So clearly, his career sucked.

261
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,963
But then he booked
the Gettysburg cemetery gig.

262
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:15,383
Finally, the big break
for John Wilkes Booth.

263
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,135
Civil War saves 70 slaves.

264
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,763
-Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil war--
-Excuse me, Mr. Booth?

265
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,807
Ah, yes, that is how
I'm listed in the program.

266
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,809
But I was hoping to use my full name,

267
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,853
John Wilkes Booth Romijn Stamos.

268
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:30,106
-Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you.
-What? Why?

269
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,608
President Lincoln just showed up.

270
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,610
He wants to workshop some new material.

271
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,861
[growls]

272
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,156
Okay, so "Fourscore
and seven years ago--"

273
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,449
Wait, wait. What... What's that mean?

274
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,867
A score is 20 years.

275
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,619
So just say 87 years ago.

276
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,703
I like it this way.

277
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,622
You're gonna lose everybody
from the first line.

278
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,207
They're all doing math in their heads.

279
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,458
-It's fine.
-It's not fine.

280
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,709
You're here to boost morale.

281
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,296
This is like the opposite. You're giving
them algebra homework. Here, try this.

282
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:57,008
"Sorry, I got here late.
I couldn't find the Gettysburg address."

283
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,010
[laughs]

284
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:00,136
Yeah. I don't know.

285
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,514
Oh, come on. It's perfect. Open with
a huge joke. Boom, now you got 'em.

286
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,933
Hey, hey, bub.

287
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,559
You can't just go bumping people.

288
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,269
I... I don't know
what you're talking about.

289
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,521
Forget him.
He's just some butt-hurt actor.

290
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,523
Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry.

291
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:13,775
I respect actors.

292
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,985
-How about you give me a headshot?
-[Chris] Foreshadowing.

293
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,279
[Bob] Now let's have
a big hand for Abe Lincoln.

294
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,364
[Lincoln] Thanks, Bob.

295
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,158
[Bob] Now, I understand
Mary Todd's here today, 'cause we all know

296
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,118
Lincoln doesn't go anywhere
without his beard.

297
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,828
-[audience laughing]
-[Lincoln laughs] Oh, Bob.

298
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:31,292
[Mayor Wild West] Finally, in 1865,
the southern capital of Richmond fell.

299
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:35,004
War is over, Grant. You've got to go to
Appomattox and meet the Southern leader.

300
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,547
-You know the guy?
-General Lee.

301
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,216
All right, do some research on him first.

302
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,593
Oh, I know the guy
backwards and forwards. General Lee.

303
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,428
Right. But I need you
to know him specifically.

304
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,222
I do know him specifically, General Lee.

305
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,723
-I... Look, you know the guy?
-Yep.

306
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:46,849
-You know him generally?
-Yep.

307
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,351
You got to know him more than generally.

308
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,477
Know who more than General Lee?

309
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,354
The Southern leader.
The guy you know generally.

310
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,314
That's right.
I do know him, very well. General Lee.

311
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,233
-I... That's the problem.
-What's the problem?

312
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,442
You say you know him generally.

313
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,569
-I do.
-I need you to be an expert on the guy.

314
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,196
-I am an expert on him.
-Are you just--

315
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,407
I'm friends with the guy.
We fought in the Mexican War together.

316
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,741
I studied his every move.

317
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,202
There is no one on the planet
who knows him better than I do.

318
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,122
Okay, just to be sure,
you are an expert on the Southern leader.

319
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,248
Completely. Totally.

320
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,666
Absolutely. General Lee.

321
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,584
But-- [sputters]

322
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,713
[Mayor Wild West] In our nation,
it was a difficult time politically.

323
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,048
But a simpler time, comedically.

324
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,593
The fighting was done,
and no more would Americans

325
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,806
wage civil war until 2028, probably.

326
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,559
But this story ends on a theater balcony

327
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,061
with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

328
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,397
Hey, how about you
just go by Mary Lincoln, huh?

329
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,232
But Todd is my family name.

330
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,234
I... I keep it to honor my heritage.

331
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,945
Demented. Somebody call
the man with the big net.

332
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,364
That's the latest
in mental health technology.

333
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:44,949
[door creaks]

334
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,076
-[gun fires]
-[Mary gasps]

335
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,038
[Mayor Wild West] Lincoln was dead,
and Booth would shout the motto

336
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,498
that has become etched in history.

337
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,167
Did I do that?

338
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,044
[all laughing]

339
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:57,712
[presenter] Lincoln's
assassination was filmed

340
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,922
in front of a live studio audience.

341
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,888
Hey, did you guys notice
that the final Dilbert

342
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:10,349
is just Dilbert checking people's genitals
outside the ladies' restroom?

343
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,351
[giggles] Office stuff.

344
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:13,978
Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke.

345
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,271
Well, here's a joke for you.

346
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,648
Six million Jews, gypsies, communists

347
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,276
and intellectuals
are loaded onto a train car.

348
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,862
Only this joke actually happened.

349
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:23,946
How is that a joke?

350
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,656
He's doing
his community service.

351
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,242
He attacked one of them
grocery robots or something.

352
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:32,121
The year is 1939,
and war has come to Europe.

353
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,999
[Mayor Wild West]
Well, the arrows and explosions are back.

354
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,377
Also, I'm back, on account of
I've been getting a lot better

355
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,296
on the fiddle since the last time.

356
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:41,380
[♪ fiddle playing poorly]

357
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:42,673
Not bad, right?

358
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:45,968
You'd be surprised
how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube.

359
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,304
[man] Hey, play Mumford and Sons.

360
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,098
[Mayor Wild West]
I'm not playing that [bleep].

361
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:54,352
Pretty soon, the Brits were forced
to seek cover in their subway system.

362
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,812
What they call "the Tube".

363
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:59,190
Eating French fries.
Of course, they call them chips.

364
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,733
Truck is a lorry.

365
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,068
Let's see. What else?

366
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,986
Weird little country.

367
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,154
Hello, Franklin?

368
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,989
President Roosevelt, can you hear me?

369
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,408
Churchill, how's things in England? Good?

370
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,411
No, it's awful. We're getting bombed
by the Nazis over here.

371
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,914
They're blitzkrieging through Europe.
They took Paris.

372
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,290
Oh, no, not Paris!

373
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,417
Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.

374
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,711
I love that guy.

375
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,255
Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?

376
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,257
Uh, you caught me
at a bad time, Churchill.

377
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,759
It's me and Eleanor's date night.

378
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,344
Eleanor, where are you going?

379
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,138
Me and the girls
are gonna go play lacrosse,

380
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,849
and then just jab our thumbs wherever.

381
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:37,562
[chuckles] That Eleanor
sure loves hanging out with her lady pals.

382
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,148
[♪ dramatic music playing]

383
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816
FDR may not help us.

384
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,152
And I heard Russia
is signing a pact with Hitler.

385
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,988
So, as my top general,
I need you to go to Moscow,

386
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,323
find their leader
and figure out how to prevent this.

387
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,868
Don't worry, sir, I will.
And I'll stop Stalin.

388
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,828
Great. I'm glad you're not
delaying your departure,

389
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,371
but do you have a plan
for when you get there?

390
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,790
-Absolutely, sir. To stop Stalin.
-And what is it?

391
00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:00,209
-How is that a plan?
-I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin.

392
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,752
Of course, I want you to stop stallin'.

393
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,254
This is a grave and important matter.

394
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,131
-So, then we do agree on the plan.
-Which is?

395
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:08,843
-To stop Stalin.
-But-- [sputters]

396
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:12,889
[Mayor Wild West] Comedically,
World War II was also a simpler time.

397
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,976
Turns out, America's efforts
to stay out of the fracas came to naught

398
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,478
once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

399
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,981
"December 7th, 1941,

400
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:25,067
"a date that I probably
knew was coming but allowed to happen."

401
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:28,821
I mean, "A date which will live in infamy,
the United States of--"

402
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,823
[woman 1] Girls,
you don't know anything about power tools.

403
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,200
-[woman 2] You're totally wrong.
-What?

404
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:33,910
-What's going on?
-It's your wife and her friends.

405
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,370
They're arguing over
power tool brands again.

406
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,039
-[woman 1] Dewalt.
-[woman 2] Ryobi.

407
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:41,042
Girls and their
construction equipment, huh? [chuckles]

408
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:45,254
Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it
down while I'm doing radio to America?

409
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,422
This is fine.

410
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:49,091
-It's fine.
-Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals

411
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,802
move into the White House with them,
which I did for real.

412
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,180
-Super normal.
-Ryobi.

413
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,682
[♪ dramatic music playing]

414
00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,645
Gentlemen, we're here to plan
an amphibious assault on Normandy.

415
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,188
Stay on target.

416
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,523
Almost there.

417
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,192
Stay on target.

418
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,486
Private Ryan, you've switched off
your targeting computer.

419
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,570
What's wrong?

420
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,406
[Roosevelt] Use The Force, Matt Damon.

421
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,367
Cut it out, guys. This is important.

422
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,702
-Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question.
-Yeah?

423
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,038
Is there toilets inside of tanks?

424
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,206
I mean, there has to be, right?

425
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:23,251
They're not gonna stop the war
just to let a guy take a crap.

426
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,086
I think they just go right in the barrel

427
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,046
and then the next shot
is like a poopy shot.

428
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,256
Can we please focus?

429
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:32,718
We're focusing. We are laser focused
on planning for... "Diday".

430
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,887
I think we're calling it "D-Day".

431
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,348
Oh, okay, see?
I'm already learning stuff.

432
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,517
[man speaking German]

433
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:01,872
[clears throat awkwardly]

434
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,354
[Hitler continues in German]

435
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,948
[Mayor Wild West in English]
FDR beat the Germans,

436
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,493
but he wouldn't live
to see victory in the Pacific.

437
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,621
For that, the torch
was passed to Harry Truman.

438
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,916
Listen, Harry.
Hirohito wants to surrender.

439
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,210
It's time to go make peace with Japan.

440
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,629
Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima.

441
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,090
No, no, no, no.
They're ready to surrender.

442
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,592
-You need to make peace with Japan.
-Okay.

443
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,302
Good. Now repeat it back to me.

444
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,055
Okay, I nuke the city
of Hiroshima in Japan.

445
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,973
No, Japan wants to surrender!

446
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,558
Make peace with Japan.

447
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:45,851
Right. And nuke Hiroshima.

448
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,436
No, no, no, no!

449
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,979
[Mayor Wild West]
And et cetera.

450
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,481
Due to wartime rationing,

451
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:54,652
we've had to keep reusing
our Pat Tillman bit from 2007.

452
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:58,614
Thanks for doing your part to make sure
all the fresh new jokes are safe

453
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,491
for our troops overseas.

454
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,786
-[people cheering]
-Eventually, Japan did surrender.

455
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:07,331
Don't worry too much about why.
The war was over.

456
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:13,254
At last, America can celebrate
with lots of non-consensual kissing.

457
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,464
Don't worry.
Your husband will never find out.

458
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:16,590
[camera shutter clicks]

459
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:22,054
Lunch with the girls, huh?
Susan, probably?

460
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,895
Well, that does it
for today's history adventure.

461
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:32,982
I hope you have
a new appreciation for the joys, follies,

462
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,026
and heartaches that comprise
our shared human story.

463
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,905
Also, you might receive
an email from the Quahog County Courthouse

464
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,325
confirming that I provided
volunteer educational services.

465
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,286
If you could just go ahead
and click the link and fill out

466
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,580
the short web form,
I'd really appreciate it.

467
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,249
[sighs]

468
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,002
So, turns out you can
legally buy Jenna Ortega

469
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,545
as many new bed sheets as you want,

470
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,756
you just can't deliver them in person.

471
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:59,300
So we all learned something this week.

472
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,468
Sleep tight, Jenna.

473
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,970
[♪ classical music playing]